The Joys of English: (this is a funny piece - I don't know who the author is.)

Here is an update on the progress of the EC (European Community).

Having chosen English as the preferred EC language (above the protestations of the Germans) the European parliament has commissioned a feasability study in ways of improving the efficiency in communications between various Government departments.

European officials have often pointed out that English spelling is unnecessarily difficult. For example: cough, plough, rough, through and thorough. What is clearly needed is a phased programme of changes to iron out these anomalies. The programme would, of course, be administered by a committee of staff at top level, by participating nations.

In the first year, for example, the committee would suggest using 's' instead of the soft 'c'. Sertainly sivil servants in all sities would reseive this news with joy. Then the hard 'c' could be replased by 'k' sinse both letters are pronounsed alike. Not only would this klear up konfusions in the minds of klerikal workers, but typewriters kould be made with one less letter.

There would be growing enthousiasm when in the sekond year it was announsed that the troublesome 'ph' would henceforth be written 'f'. This would make words like 'fotograf' twenty persent shorter in print.

In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reatsh the stage where more komplikated tshanges are possible. Governments would enkourage the removal of double letters which have always been a deterent to akurate speling.

We would al agre that the horible mes of silent 'e's in the languag is disgrasful. Therefor we kould drop thes and kontinu to read and writ as though nothing had hapend. By this tim it would be four years sins the skem began and people would be reseptiv to steps sutsh as replasing 'th' by 'z'. Perhaps zen ze funktion of 'w' kould be takn on by 'v' vitsh is, after al, half a 'w'. Shortly after zis, ze unesesary 'o' kuld be dropd from words kontaining 'ou'. Similar arguments vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinashins of leters.

Kontinuing zis proses yer after yer ve vud eventuli hav a reli sensibl riten stype. Avter Tventi yers ser vud be no mor trublsm difikultis and evrivum vud fin it ezi to understand ech ozer. Ze drems of ze Fuhrer vud finali hav kum tru.